Today, I went to Costco with my family. Starting from when we were starting to head home, my sister, as always, was occasionally pestering me about little things. "Don't let the food by you fall" "Get the detergent (while I was bringing things with both of my hands)" "Open the door (when it looked closed and I clearly didn't have a key)" and whatnot. It's not her first time doing this, but it's never a good feeling for me when she does it. I feel horrible for a bit every time she does it. It's almost as if the momentum of these kept up as she kept having more to say, and, I swear to god, I almost lost it. I was genuinely so tempted to throw our food on the floor and say something along the lines of "YOU WANT IT? GET ON THE FLOOR AND EAT IT!!!" before chanting "FUCK! YOU! FUCK! YOU!" repeatedly as I stomp on it. Of course, that's what I imagined myself doing, I didn't actually do it.
This has always been a thing for me -- the imagining part. Whenever I feel like I've been wronged by someone, I tend to reimagine the scenarios repeatedly, but now with a twist: I have an outburst that makes them feel bad for what they did, or do anything else that causes them to reflect. It's horrible, I know, but I can't help it, but I hold myself back from doing it anyway. Maybe it's because I lack the ego to do it, maybe it's because of the fear that my mom will once again weaponize instances like these as evidence to so-called "professionals in mental health and young people with ADHD" that I need "help" in order to trap me back into the program, full of meetings with people who half-ass their jobs and don't actually care about me, secretly seeing me and my family as an asset to take advantage of. All this because my mom finds a small aspect about me that she has a problem with...
Apology for the dramatic description of what I imagined myself doing, it definitely seems pretty corny when I type it all out, but it's really the only way I feel capable of putting it. It seems that watching the film 'Mommy' (2014) really struck something in me that never left after I first watched it a year ago. For the record, I love my sister -- she's kind of the person I wish I could be more like -- but she's so perfect that it scares me. Every time she has another thing to say to me in *THAT* tone it feels like another reminder of how flawed I am and how many little things about me I'd have to change if I wanted to be liked by everyday people. And considering the fact that my parents have never seemed to be on my side whenever I try to stand up to her, I just feel so hopeless.
In the future, when I slowly steer away from my family and aim to be an artist more, I just hope I meet someone different who I'd be willing to spend the rest of my life with. Someone who understands me, doesn't judge me, and makes me feel comfortable as they subtly help me shape myself into becoming the person I want to be more like without forcing anything onto me. That is all I want.
- Anthony “Salteh” S. • • •
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