This is so hard for me to process, I don't even want to think about it. I'm just doing so terribly in school, it all feels natural now, and I hate that.
Every weekday, I go to school with 6 hours of sleep at most and so much work I haven't completed. I go about, slightly slacking off in every period, sometimes sitting there clueless for a moment since I can't process everything. I hate hesitating to tell teachers I haven't finished my assignments, especially in history. I hate having them giving me extensions out of politeness. I hate not turning in assignments alongside everyone else because I didn't do them.
Then I go home with a mini schedule in mind of how much time I'll spend on all my work in order to get it all done quickly and efficiently. Instead, I have the smallest things distract and waste most of my time. The sounds of the TV my dad is watching at in the other room. All the footsteps. If that isn't distracting enough, I end up distracting myself, pulling up different websites on my Mac. Once I "stop" with it, I end up staying late upon finally realizing how much work I had to do and catch up on. I "try" to finish as much work as I feel like I can finish before sleeping at 1, 2, sometimes even 3 AM, telling myself, "I'll finish it tomorrow throughout the day before turning it in." You won't believe how poorly those thoughts age.
Then the weekends come, and I tell myself I'll catch up with all the work throughout it. Throughout it, I put on some music since weekends are when I'm able to focus on listening to full albums. Sometimes I'll play a game. Sometimes I'll waste time scrolling through Twitter. Once I snap out of it all, I only have a few hours left before going back to school. The whole process repeats.
Last week, it was decided that I wouldn't be allowed to go on a trip for film class despite doing good in it because I was failing in some subjects. Last night my mom told me I failed history.
I feel bad for my teachers for having to put up with my constant late and incomplete assignments. In fact, I feel bad for everyone that's tried to support me and motivate me to do better. I've failed everyone, but even worse, I've failed myself. I'm not the smart, quiet "genius" of an Asian American teen people would expect me to be like. I'm just a failure.
Help me.
- Anthony “Salteh” S. • • •
