Today was the last day of school, but it all felt unreal, really. It was a half day spent on a field with just about everyone in my high school. Barely interacted with anyone aside from a few teachers, most of which weren't even goodbyes. Then I went home as if it was another after school moment, this time however I slacked off completely rather than most of the time, knowing it was over. Not to mention I spent a lot of time laying in bed and had heavy winds and hail outside causing so much sound. But even after all that, feeling like it's transitioning me into a break, it all feels unreal, and it's not exactly in a good way.
I feel like a part of what makes things feel this way for me is just the case of my academic performance this whole year. While I did good in environmental science, algebra, and Arabic (somehow), I didn't do well in my APUSH class for a while, although I really redeemed myself in the end. Then there's my advanced ELA class. We read several books but I only finished one through our teacher guiding us all. We had seminars discussing the books but I sat out of all of them out of being unprepared. I never completed any of the prep either, same goes for most of the essays and projects. Somehow, despite all that, I managed to pass, and I feel like it's all been out of my teacher's kindness. He's been so nice throughout, but I feel like I've taken advantage of it and continued to lack improvement. I really want to apologize to him, but it feels so wrong to do, because I'd only be apologizing for my own faults that didn't affect him because he had been doing his job the whole time and getting paid for it either way.
On top of that, I've had so many people in my life see that I was struggling, to which they showed their support and reaffirm me that they had faith in me redeeming myself. I even constantly told myself that I'll do so through fixing my schedule and managing my time better. And although I somewhat did redeem myself in the end, I just find myself questioning... at what cost? Did I really deserve it? Because ultimately, I feel like I barely achieved anything. I just can't believe it's done now.
It's about time I try to make a change here. I want to start spending my time with things I actually care about, passions I have, and improving at things I currently lack at. That way I'll really be prepared to tackle anything and make time for myself to pursue what I want to.
- Anthony “Salteh” S. • • •
